Helplessness - where does it come from and why?

When a man hits a woman, a lot of people judge the woman. They say things like: why doesn’t she just leave him, this is totally stupid. But the reality is most of the times she CAN NOT, and the cause for her “immaturity” has a scientific explanation called “learned helplessness”. If a children’s parents beat them, morally abused them (humiliated them, raised them like tyrants), they got gradually used to enduring such relationship, because what other choice did they have? As a result, when the child turns into an adult and is placed in a similar environment, they “keep enduring the suffering”.Thank God, not everyone is beaten by their parents or their husbands. However, learned helplessness can manifest in many other forms! Millions of possibilities surround each and every one of us, but we don’t n otice them because we have a stagnant perception of reality. Stepping out of the comfort zone isn’t easy, but it’s very beneficial and even necessary.

How to accept the situation?

It's a nightmare when... you've been looking forward to something, and then the dream finally begins to come true, but a variety of FEARS suddenly come with it. Fears that something will go wrong, that nothing will work out. They don't let you sleep or even live... What's to be done? Take a piece of paper and a pen. For example, you're worried that your plans might go awry and you won't be able to go where you planned to go. Ask yourself the question, "What would I do if it happened?" And give a clear answer: "I would stay home." Then ask yourself, "What good changes could occur if it happened?" And answer, for example: "I would visit my sister, I promised her a long time ago." The truth is, when you give your brain alternatives and imagine possible consequences following the particular action, anxiety is reduced and it becomes easier to accept the situation.

I have always been surprised by people who ask what all this is for, where is the meaning, why do we live.

We live for a cup of hot tea after a frost. We live for the hugs of a loved one in a moment of longing. We live for the dance on the seashore under the starry sky. We live for the music that gives you goosebumps. For laughs to tears. For a carefree snowball fight. For the wind that ruffles your hair. For the paintings that come to life on the canvases. For a restful and deep sleep. For the raindrops hitting your face. For the rays of the morning sun. For the sake of pleasant fatigue from the work done. And for a million other things that wouldn't exist if we didn't live. But we live. And life is the most beautiful thing that could happen to us. Think carefully about this!

How can we not appreciate what we have ...

At first, we conscientiously try to gain trust, feelings, but we have not learned how to store and protect. We quarrel, we offend each other, we exchange small things. We forget that life is a moment, and we will not have time to correct mistakes, the turbulent streams of a mountain river quickly take away our life and time. We do not appreciate such a beautiful and capacious word - life, we do not value it ... and we do not say to ourselves: stop, come to your senses ... Only when we lose, for some reason, we realize that there is nothing to return.

There is a simple sign that you really need a person.

Close, understandable, important. He is his. And this is a rather strange sign. You are angry with this person. Get angry. Offended. He terribly annoys you sometimes. You can quarrel with this person or leave him. Not very far to go. Because after five minutes or more you are drawn back to him. Well, in an hour, or in a day if you don't live together. And you are worried: how is he there? Or is she okay? And the soul is out of place. And together you are so good that you can be silent and not talk about anything. And so everything is clear. And you can talk for hours; and you are not bored.

Don't be afraid to love

When you feel miserable and abandoned, try to do something with love. Say at least one word with love, just think with love about someone. Open your heart and try to awaken love in it. To do this, you need to stop seeing in others and in yourself only shortcomings and mistakes. Some people we like, others we don't. It's easy to love the people we like. But loving your neighbor does not mean admiring him. It's hard to admire a murderer or a thief. But you can wish them well. To love your neighbor means to wish him well. Love is an art, it requires practice. Good doctors, musicians, artists, athletes practice for hours to improve their skills and abilities. Likewise with love. If we don't make an effort to love, we will be lonely and miserable.

Time management. The Alpen Method.

Time management. The Alpen Method. Workday planning not only helps us organize our day, but also use our work time efficiently and thus reduce it. The main principles are: ▫️ Build your to-do list ▫️ Set priorities ▫️ Write down the priorities ▫️ Set aside some time for personal matters ▫️ Set clear goals The ALPEN method A - to-do list of all planned Activities L - estimating Length of time P - Planning buffer time E - Establishing prioritized decisions N - Noting down level of success Make a list of activities. Write down out all the tasks that need to be done today. Estimate how much time you need. Plan for buffer time. Time when you do not occupy yourself with anything. Prioritize tasks. 1. Important and urgent. 2. Important but not urgent. 3. Urgent but unimportant. 4. Neither important nor urgent.

Don't jump to conclusions or decisions when you are angry or sad

If you're tired or depressed, if you're down on your luck or just had a bad day, if you're annoyed at people on public transport, don't jump to conclusions or make decisions. You feel sure that you are always objective, and that all your thoughts are logically derived from each other, but in fact, they very much depend on your physical and emotional state. So pull yourself together first, and only then contact anyone, make decisions, express your opinion, and try to find solutions.

You don't need someone who doesn't respect you

The best response to people who don't respect you is: as long as they don't get in your way, don't care about them. They won't encourage your activities or help you become a better person. Get rid of them as soon and quietly as possible. Otherwise, they will pull you dawn and prevent you from moving toward your goals. As long as they don't hurt you, ignore them. People who don't respect you shouldn't even be allowed close to you. They're not your audience, they're not your pack, they're not your clients. You don't need them at all.

It’s time to fall in love again or finally break up.

A time to change an old habit into a new habit or to destroy everything and start anew. Spring is the best time for change. You can fall in love in order to undergo a transformation. Or you can do it without any reason. You can choose to embrace your darkness or to nurture your inner light. It's up to you whether you want to cultivate your fears or the opportunities that come your way.

Trust takes time and sometimes even effort.

Let's try to figure out what affects our ability and willingness to trust a loved one.⠀ ▫️ Environment. Relatives, friends, the received information, the media space - all that influences our perception in some way. Society composes a perfect relationship model. ▫️ Self-esteem. The lower your self-esteem, the less confident you feel in a relationship. Remember the great advice of Susanna from the well-known movie: "I am the most charming and attractive! All men are delighted with me..." Raise your self-esteem every single minute, because you are so exciting! ▫️ Personal space. Don't try to pry into someone else's affairs, then yours won't be disturbed either. People always can find a way to let you know what they want you to know. ▫️ Past experience. Yes, you can't escape it, it will always be at the back of your mind. But is it actually bad? By dealing with situations you didn't like, you can avoid repeating past mistakes.

Some ways to help complete stress response cycle:

Physical activity. Any activity will work, as long as you move and breathe. If you're stressed but can't exercise right now, a breathing practice can help relieve tension. Communication and laughter. By interacting with people, you send a message to your body that the world around you is safe. Just a short conversation, a warm hug or a sincere laugh is enough. By the way, you can complete stress response cycle not only with the help of people, but also spending time with animals. Sometimes petting a cat or going for a walk with a dog is the best remedy. Another cure for stress is tears. Many of us have experienced episodes of sudden uncontrollable and inappropriate crying in response to a situation or someone's words. Creativity. In general, all creative activities modulate and stimulate emotions. Think of it as a space where you can stop hiding your feelings. Both other people's creative work (music, books, theater) and your own creations are helpful.

How to overcome the fear of change and start taking action?

To do this, you need:⠀ ▪️ To analyze the reasons of your fear (with a specialist, things will go faster). ▪️ To find the "missing verbs" by remembering the past events. Namely, what specific actions were needed to get the result you wanted.⠀ ▪️ To make a list of such "verbs" for the current situation, write them down. They will all mean specific actions toward pending goals. ▪️ To divide all the steps into big and small ones. It is better to start with small ones, alternating them with big ones.⠀ ▪️ If the fear comes back, divide the big step in half again. ▪️ To support yourself emotionally all the way. Realize that you are working as well as you can.⠀ ▪️ To notice the positives in your life and plan things with a good mood every morning by writing them down as tasks.

Even one friendly conversation a day increases the level of happiness.

More than 900 people took part in the experiment, each of whom was asked to communicate with friends at a certain time. At the end of the day, participants reported how good or bad they felt by rating feelings such as stress, attachment, anxiety, well-being, and loneliness. The results showed that communication at least once a day is enough to improve well-being. In particular, it increased feelings of attachment and reduced stress. The more conversations there were during the day, the higher the happiness scores were.

What is an emotional burnout syndrome?

Emotional burnout is a state of mental, physical or emotional exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. Burnout is usually associated with being stuck in a rut and constant overexertion, which eventually culminates in a complete neglect of one's daily activities, an aversion and unwillingness to do anything. Burnout is a peculiar response to the external factors of life, a protective reaction of the organism, which is expressed in the form of complete or partial emotions elimination.

Weather changes often cause anxiety-related responses.

Such phenomenon is common to emotional people who are subject to sudden mood swings. The enormous flow of negative information can knock out even people with nerves of steel. Staying in a confined space contributes to the fact that the person gets hung up on thinking about the same things. Experts recommend periodically distracting from the news and taking more walks.

Denial

Denial is when a person is unwilling to come to terms with reality, when he or she tries to avoid any new information that goes against their existing beliefs. People who resort to this psychological defense mechanism simply ignore reality that is painful to them and behave as if it does not exist. Such people often believe that they have no problem because they deny the presence of difficulties in their lives. They are quite suggestible, often lacking self-criticism, as well as imagination. If this continues for a long period of time, the person completely loses a sense of reality, since he or she is already used to its denial.

The first lesson of love is that one should not ask for love, but simply give it.

Become a giver. And people do just the opposite. Even when they share love, they always expect no less love in return. It looks like a deal. They don't give love, they don't do it unconditionally. They love on condition. Out of the corner of their eye, they watch to see if the same amount of love is returning to them. Very unhappy people... they don't know the true nature of love. You just have to pour it out and it will come back.

Getting rid of disturbing thoughts⠀

• Close your eyes and imagine yourself outdoors. A place where you feel comfortable: in a hammock in the country or in a sun lounger by the pool, or on the beach. Wherever you want. • Imagine this place in all it’s beauty: the warmth of the sunlight on your cheek, the smell of flowers or sea breeze, the softness of the place where you sit. • Now imagine the thought that gets you riled. Put it atop of a cloud. And watch as it floats away from you across the clear sky. Don't try to speed it up, just watch as the cloud slowly floats away and takes the negativity with it. • If it didn't work out the first time - try again. Plant the thought on a cloud and follow it with your eyes. Let it gradually float away from your field of vision. These techniques don’t always work immediately. Train your imagination, and it will become easier for you to free your mind from dark, torturing thoughts. They will eventually be replaced with a sense of calm self-confidence.

SAFETY and TRANQUILITY

Simple daily activities that you are have become used to can help create a SAFETY and TRANQUILITY bubble. If you are not under direct threat, try to continue living as if nothing has happened. You can live through feelings of fear, anxiety and confusion. However, PHYSICALLY force yourself to do everyday things. Make yourself some coffee with milk and cinnamon topping Walk the dog. Help your child pack their schoolbags and surprise them with an orange hidden in the side pocket. Hug a loved one. Immerse yourself in a book. Sort out your work mail. Bake an apple pie and enjoy it with some tea. Tidy up your house.