Codependent Relationships. Where is the way out?

To begin with, you need to answer the question honestly: do you really want to quit this relationship? If so, why haven't you done it yet? People want a magic pill, that is to make everything happen in one fell swoop, without pain, without working on one's self, without thinking, just WHOOSH and everything is easy and good, as if this relationship never happened. So, it never was and never will be. This is infantile, childish thinking. You have to pay for everything. And sometimes you have to pay VERY dearly. The first step to resolve this problem is to understand the reasons WHY you got into it. If you don't find out the reasons and work them out, you have all the chances to be trapped into the similar painful relationship again!

I don't judge, I accept and support.

That's because there is no single model of happiness for everyone. I feel really perplexed when Nancy, a happy mother of many children, insistently advises Mary, a career woman, to have children, and Mary, in response, rolling her eyes and clicking her tongue, advises Nancy to drop everything and go to Japan, to the Hanami holiday. Why do people think that there is only one happiness model - THEIR OWN? After all, the world is so beautiful in its diversity of shapes and colors. And there is nothing more foolish than trying to fit everything and everyone into one single theory.

Three things you shouldn't expect from other people.

Don't expect people to respect you if you don't respect yourself. It is important to be kind to others, but it is equally important to be kind to yourself. Don't expect a person to suddenly change. A common misconception is that if you care deeply about someone, they will eventually stop disappointing you and change. No, it won't change. Don't expect everyone to like you. It doesn't matter how well you treat other people, there will always be at least one negative person who will criticize you. Smile, ignore and move on.

Help others.

Helping other people may not always be safe for your psychological state. We are talking about those situations when you do not want to do something, but it is inconvenient for you to refuse. Some people tend to help to the detriment of their own interests, do it on an ongoing basis. Reliability, setting the interests of others higher than their own - a vivid example of how those who were not loved in childhood deserve this love. It seems to them that without acting solely in the interests of others, nothing will work. And it works in their lives. People often use them because of their kindness and openness.

The border is LOCKED.

We lock our apartment, guard our car with alarms, check if our backpack is locked, and if our wallet and credit cards are safe. But often, while keeping things safe, we forget to take care of our inner security. Each of us has our own private world. And only YOU have the right to decide where its boundaries, who to let into it, and who - absolutely not. Healthy psychological boundaries are: - Awareness of the value of one's opinion. - Conformity to internal attitudes and priorities. - Careful handling of personal information. - Understanding your own wants and needs. - The ability to say NO. - The ability to respect others' privacy. Personal boundaries serve us as a reliable FARE guard, protecting us from unnecessary intrusions and stress, and preserve our inner harmony.

Diary therapy.

Nothing new, everything is as old as the WORLD. By the way, the practice of keeping diaries dates back to ancient Japan in the 10th century, when the ladies of the court kept records of their life and love in "sleep books". So how does a diary work? It's a great, if not the best, tool for REFLECTION - getting to know yourself, your feelings and emotions. It's the best way to safely EXPRESS yourself - the case when pen and paper are your best friends. Paper will accept everything: your anger, your sorrow, your love and your craziest ideas. But it is worth keeping a diary consciously, so that it is not just a remedy for your stress or anxiety, but so that it can help you understand and realize yourself more deeply.

Love triangle - where is the way out?

A love triangle is a situation where one of the spouses or intimate partners has a relationship with someone else... that is, a romantic relationship involving three people. Where is the way out? Be aware of your role in this relationship. What's your role? Are you a hostage to the situation or its cause? Analyze what you are getting out of this relationship? What are they giving you? Consider your options for getting out of the triangle. Whatever corner of the triangle you are in, take care of yourself, restore your emotional balance, and only then make decisions. Do rely on yourself. MATURE men and women never be caught in love triangles - they are not interested in them and do not need them. A love triangle is essentially a triad - mom-dad-child. And these roles in a triangle flow and change from one to the other. Generally, people who find themselves in such a triangle, have not solved the child-parent conflict with their parents in childhood and are still immature.

Emotional burnout — where does it come from and how to get rid of it?

It has been said about it so much, however, I have personally experienced this state and thus know how difficult it is to overcome this problem. Basically, it happens when you give a lot and receive little, or you receive it much later. Therefore, the body accumulates tension. And if that tension lasts long enough, then the phase of emotional exhaustion sets in. If you find yourself in this state for a long period, you need to look for a way out. It may be very hard to identify the causes and resolve problems without a psychologist, but you can start it on your own though. ▫️ Recognize the problem. ▫️ Determine your state of mind by taking the Boyko or Maslach Burnout Inventory. ▫️ Listen to your body. ▫️ RELAX. Create your sleep and work schedule. ▫️ Delegate responsibilities at work and at home. And most importantly - love yourself and don't wear yourself out, life is one!

Masculine and Feminine Styles of Handling Conflict

Have you noticed? If we girls quarrel, it's SERIOUSLY and FOR THE LONG HAUL. After that, it is very difficult for us to establish relations with each other, as a rule, the fallout from a serious quarrel remains forever. In MEN'S RELATIONSHIP the opposite is true. Men can also argue very seriously, they tend to figure things out more aggressively, shout louder, and may even fight. However, when the issue is over, they easily return to their previous relationship. Psychologists explain it the following way: girls usually play conflict-free games in their childhood, so they learn to appreciate harmony and friendship. Boys, playing more dynamic and aggressive games, get into conflict situations more often and quickly resolve them to get back to the game as soon as possible.

Getting rid of negativity.

If you keep coming back to an unpleasant event over and over again, it's worth finding an activity you can "throw yourself into". The most effective way to stop getting worked up is to exercise. Personally, any kind of routine helps me a lot. I turn on my favorite music and immerse myself in work completely. For example: cleaning the house, jogging in the park or walking the dog. Physical activity stimulates the production of endorphins, which push away negative emotions and causes fatigue that can distract you from bad experiences.

Why grow up?

GETTING OLDER, we learn assessing the situation with a cool head and finding ways to solve it. Without counting on or expecting help from others. Relying on ourselves gives support, faith and confidence even in hard times. Maturity allows us to set priorities and refuse unnecessary things. Strong inner self-support allows us to do it quickly, without long deliberations and feelings of guilt or shame. Maturity also allows us to delegate some things. And that helps as avoid anxiety and fear that the other can't handle it. Maturity lets us assess our state of mind and signals that it's time to take a break. The inner core allows to take time for ourselves without remorse and fear of "What will people think?!". The INNER CORE together with maturity helps transform fears into resources, and negative qualities into helpful ones.

Learning how to forgive.

Unnecessary offenses poison our lives, first of all to those who are offended. As for the offender, keep in mind that he or she will sleep peacefully, not even feeling any concern. So it is easier and better for yourself to forgive and let go. Some steps to do it: MAKE THE DECISION TO FORGIVE. The most important thing about forgiveness is to realize that YOU need it much more than your abuser. LIVE YOUR EMOTIONS. Respect your feelings, don't hide them in yourself, find an opportunity to live them and feel them fully. Even if not immediately, but gradually you will become much easier. REMEMBER THE TIMES YOU WERE FORGIVEN. Remember how you regretted your own mistakes and how important it was for you to receive forgiveness from those you offended. Choose TO BE STRONG. Don't let your resentment poison your life.

The desire to control everyone and everything all the time.

This desire can be dictated by perfectionism, egocentrism, lack of trust and a variety of other reasons. But all these consequences have a common cause - attachment issues coming from childhood: at some point the child ceased to feel secure around his parents. He or she stopped trusting this world and feeling relaxed. Getting older, such people rely only on themselves. It would seem that this is absolutely fine. But there is a flip side of the coin: even when they need help, they never ask for it, being afraid to admit their weaknesses. Such adults live in a state of continuous tension always expecting the worst.

Do you want to be happy? DO NOT be patient!

From generation to generation, women have been taught to be agreeable. In other words, to be the ones who tolerate what they don't like, what doesn't satisfy them. Those who betray themselves over and over again just to please the man next to them in order not to end up alone. Well, it's high time to start listening to your heart and showing your FEELINGS! As well as fulfilling your desires! Put yourself first! Say yes to what your soul wants! This is where your revival begins! From this moment, you will wake up. This is what self-love is all about!

Worrying about making the right decision?

Try the following technique: ▫️ Imagine you've chosen the first option (of the two you can't decide between), take a piece of paper and try to describe how your life might turn out after making this decision. ▫️ Imagine you've chosen the second option. Similarly, describe how your life might turn out in this case. Anticipate questions: "But how can I know?", "What if I croak disaster?" and so on. You can't know, but your inner being can! It has all the information about the different scenarios of your life, based on different choices. So turn off your mind, your brain, and just give power to your hand. Reread both your "essays" and find your actual path.

If you want to be happy, stop controlling EVERYTHING.

No, I'm not calling you for chaos. Just stop demanding anything from your loved ones and persuading them that things should be the way you want them to be. You've been asking your husband to fix a leaking faucet for three months, but it led to nothing - so you get annoyed. Or, for example, you ask your son to turn off the computer, but he doesn't quit the game all day long - you panic. The key is that as long as you push someone, nothing will change. In the first case it is important to focus attention on yourself, in the second - on the relationship with the child, but in a different scenario. Stop CONTROLLING everything. It takes up a ton of resources and your nerves if something goes wrong. Trust the universe, your family, your kids. Let them learn how to live their own life and try to do the same to make yourself feel needed by other means.

Unreliable partner.

The unreliable partners shift responsibility for their lives to others. So the OTHER has to take care of them, meet their needs, think of them, and share some resources. Even better if he or she gives ALL the personal resources. The unreliable people tend to blame others, make claims, accuse, insult and force the victim to act in a way contrary to their own interests, demand, as well as appeal to the other's sense of duty, covering up their own plans that way. Such a person will never discuss his or her goals, since to achieve something, one should give something away. And the unreliable partner is not going to lose anything he or she owns. That's why manipulating others is hidden by the words "you have to", "everyone lives this way", "it's hard for everyone", "you shall"

Mood Swing

Every other client now comes to me with this problem. The regression therapy method works very well in this case. A mood swing is a sudden or intense change in emotional state that is really difficult to control. When does this become a problem? At the moment when our usual ways of self-recovery stop working. How to deal with it? Check your health, specifically your hormone levels.

Hit, run, freeze!

Actually, these are the default settings of our psyche when reacting to stress. Our brain can be divided into three basic units: the reptilian brain, the emotional limbic brain, and the neocortex. The reptile brain is composed of the brainstem that develops in utero and manages the life support functions. It's responsible for our "freeze" response. This is when fear makes our legs go weak. The emotional limbic brain is the mammalian brain that develops in the first 5-6 years after birth. It is responsible, in particular, for the "hit and run" reaction. In general, it includes any active reaction to danger. The prefrontal cortex (frontal lobes) is responsible for planning and predicting, perceiving the time and context and controlling things. So during a crisis that is perceived as dangerous, this important part of the brain shuts down. And the body switches to the "hit and run" or "freeze" mode. Does this behavior sound familiar to you?

I'm going to give you a piece of advice.

Sound advice is sometimes worth its weight in gold. But this can violate personal boundaries and even take the form of psychological violence. So even if you really want to give advice, refrain. Give advice only when you are asked for it. And try not to be arrogant or opinionated in order not to oppress her/him. If you still can't help giving you advice, say something like: "I had a similar experience recently and I'd be happy to share my experience if you don't mind." Let your opponent choose to listen to you or not.